


Makeover Magic

by pallasathene



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Queer Eye (2018)
Genre: Bisexual Character, Coming Out, Crossover, Does this sound like the title of a real episode idk titles are hard, I finished all of Queer Eye and needed something to fill the hole, It's still magic, M/M, The Queer Eye guys are here with very little explanation, The spectre of sodium laurel sulfate, Wasn't sure about the rating because it's pretty PG aside from a subtle mention of a wet dream, discussions of mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-23 00:09:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15593910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pallasathene/pseuds/pallasathene
Summary: Harry Potter, 30 year old divorcé, gets Queer Eyed.





	Makeover Magic

‘Today we’re meeting Harry,’ says Tan. Next to him, Bobby is driving, while Karamo, Jonathan and Antoni sit in the back seats. ‘He’s thirty years old, 5’11, weighs 200lbs and works as an…Auror, an _Auror_ ,’ he says, stumbling over the word.

‘Is it bad that I don’t know what an Auror is?’ asks Jonathan.

‘Harry is a wizard who has been nominated by his friend Ron,’ Tan continues.

‘He’s a wizard?’ asks Karamo.

‘That’s _amazing_ ,’ says Jonathan.

‘Ron says that since Harry’s divorce from Ron’s sister-’

‘Uh-oh, drama,’ interjects Jonathan.

‘–Harry has not been in a great place. He’s got an important work dinner coming up for which he has to look presentable, so he needs someone to help him out and take care of his…’ Tan’s eyes widen in horror. ‘His mullet,’ he finishes, sounding shaken.

The car erupts. ‘Oh hell no!’ someone shouts.

They pull up on a quiet London street and the five of them pile out. Antoni speaks through the intercom of a house with a red door and they are let up to the second floor.

Harry opens the door. He is wearing a pale grey t-shirt and some old jeans.

‘Hi!’ the five of them chorus.

Harry suddenly finds himself feeling a bit overwhelmed. He can’t remember the last time he had this many people in his flat – in fact, thinking about it now, he’s not sure he ever has. Each of them hug him or give him a friendly slap on the shoulder and march into the flat one by one.

Immediately, they get to work. Tan heads for his bedroom, while Antoni goes to the fridge and has a look inside. Jonathan follows Tan, looking for the bathroom, and Bobby walks around the flat, inspecting the couch and the kitchen area before going into the bedroom after Tan and Jonathan.

Karamo turns to Harry. ‘How’s it going?’ he asks him.

‘I’m…’ Harry looks at the floor. ‘I’m ok, I suppose.’

‘Really?’ Karamo says. ‘Because you don’t sound too sure.’

Harry gives a wry smile.

‘So, when did you move into this apartment?’ Karamo asks.

‘It was about a year ago,’ says Harry.

‘And that’s because you got divorced, am I right?’

‘Yeah.’ Harry tells Karamo what had happened. He and Ginny had first got together in school, and after getting married they had had three children together, the youngest of which was now just two years old.

Bobby emerges from Harry’s bedroom. ‘Looking around this place, there are a lot of cardboard boxes,’ Bobby says. ‘How come you haven’t unpacked yet?’

Harry runs a hand through his hair. ‘Well…at first it was just going to be a temporary separation. But then we realised we were better off apart.’

‘It’s interesting you say that, because you don’t seem very happy,’ Karamo says.

‘I loved her but…I think at the end both of us needed something else. I think she’s found what she was looking for, but maybe I haven’t yet.’

_Karamro: Harry seems lost. He doesn’t know what he wants and it’s our job to help him find it._

_Bobby: For as long as Harry’s apartment is full of cardboard boxes, it’s not going to feel like home. Right now he’s stuck in a rut of being a sad, divorced man, and looking around this place, it’s no wonder! But he’s only thirty years old, and I know I can transform this space into a cool, inviting bachelor pad so he can begin his new life with confidence and optimism._

Antoni beckons Harry over to the kitchen area.

‘What would you say a typical dinner is for you?’ he asks Harry.

‘Um…’ Harry looks apologetic. ‘Chinese takeaway?’

‘Ok, ok. Do you get home from work late?’

‘Yeah, I work pretty long hours down at the Ministry, and I don’t really have the energy to cook when I get home.’

‘And what’s this?’ says Antoni, holding up a Tupperware container full of unidentifiable and potentially mouldy food.

‘That…was meant to be my packed lunch, but I forgot it.’

‘How long ago?!’ says Antoni, laughing.

It’s at this moment that Tan and Jonathan burst into the room. Tan is dressed in Harry’s work robes and his pointed wizard’s hat from school, and Jonathan is astride Harry’s (earthbound) Firebolt. They seem delighted with their findings, and Harry can’t help but laugh.

Jonathan puts down the Firebolt and grabs Harry by the arm. ‘Mind coming with me, beautiful?’

Harry allows himself to be lead to the bathroom. Once inside, Jonathan turns to him.

‘Ok, I’m confused. I’ve searched through all your cupboards, all your shelves, I’ve looked at the mouldy floor of your shower and there is _nothing_ in here. Nothing! No soap, no shampoo, no razors. What’s going on?’

‘Well, I’m a wizard, and I just use charms to wash and stuff.’

‘Can I touch your hair?’ Jonathan asks.

Harry lets him, and Jonathan sinks his hands into Harry’s messy black hair.

‘I’m not exactly an expert on magic, but it’s my suspicion that whatever spell you’re doing isn’t the best one for your hair.’

‘It’s multipurpose,’ Harry says. ‘It’s the same spell I use to clean my sink and my shoes.’

‘Oh dear god,’ Jonathan says, clutching a hand to his heart.

_Jonathan: Harry is using the magic spell equivalent of sodium laurel sulfate on his hair. I can’t let him live like this._

‘You need to give her some conditioning; you need to take care of her! And why, in the name of all that is holy, did you grow a mullet?’

‘That was unintentional, I just haven’t got round to having a haircut in a while.’

Then Tan pokes his head round the door. ‘Can I borrow Harry for a moment?’

Harry goes with him into the bedroom.

‘Alright Harry, so I just wanted to introduce you to this thing in the corner.’ Tan goes over to the wardrobe and opens it. ‘All your clothes are in boxes or draped over chairs, and if you keep them in here it’s going to be a lot easier to get dressed in the morning.’

Harry nods. ‘Yeah, sorry about that.’

‘Now, looking at your clothes it looks like the things you have are either too big or too small.’

Harry explains that he’s put on a bit of weight in the last year.

‘That’s fine, and there's nothing wrong with your body, but you need to get some clothes that fit you. What’s the deal with all the shirts like this?’ Tan says, holding up a very large t-shirt.

‘That’s a hand-me-down from my cousin which I’ve had for about fifteen years.’

Tan looks stunned. ‘All of this needs to go,’ he says. ‘What would you like to be wearing? Who’s a man who you think looks good?’ Tan asks.

Harry thinks. His mind, strangely, supplies Draco Malfoy. Harry frowns. Draco is always dressed in finely tailored robes and pointy shoes, and that’s not Harry’s style at all.

‘Um, I just like to be comfortable,’ he says finally. ‘But smart, because of my job.’

_Tan: Harry has been hanging onto clothes that have never fitted him for half his life. It’s time he gets to wear some things he’ll actually look and feel good in, and I think when he does we’ll see a whole new side of him._

***

 

The next day after work, Tan takes Harry shopping. Harry realises he hasn’t bought clothes in a long time. When he started working at the Ministry he bought three robes from Madam Malkin’s and has been wearing them to work ever since. In his spare time, he wears ill-fitting old t-shirts and jeans from years ago. When he and Tan arrive at the shop he feels a bit intimidated. It seems simple and minimalist, but it all looks very expensive. The shop assistant who greets them can barely conceal his disdain as his eyes linger on Harry’s mullet.

‘What I love about this place,’ says Tan, unperturbed, ‘is that it does really simple, timeless, well-made clothes. Anything you buy here can be dressed up or dressed down, and it’s going to last a really long time.’

He leads Harry towards a rack of clothes he’s seemingly already chosen for him, and starts showing him various items.

‘These black jeans are really comfortable and won’t make you feel too overdressed, but they’re well-made and nicely cut. If you pair them with a t-shirt in a neutral colour you’ve got a really timeless outfit. Then if you add this bomber jacket in green, and a smart boot like this one, you’ve got an outfit that you can wear day to day or when you go out in the evening.’ He hands Harry the clothes and points him towards the changing room.

After a few minutes, Harry emerges and looks in the long mirror. Tan voices his approval, and Harry has to agree. He doesn’t know much about fashion, but this looks and feels really good on him, and he likes how the green jacket brings out his eyes. Then he sees an unmistakable figure reflected in the mirror.

The figure walks towards him, and Harry turns around.

‘Fancy seeing you here,’ says Malfoy. He somehow makes it sound like an insult. ‘Draco Malfoy,’ he says, introducing himself to Tan.

‘Tan France, lovely to meet you,’ he responds. ‘Do you two know each other?’

Harry briefly wonders how to sum up his and Malfoy’s complicated history, but Malfoy answers first.

‘We work together,’ he says. ‘Well, I must be off. I have business to attend to.’ He gives Harry one last look up and down, and then leaves.

‘Alright,’ says Tan, turning back to Harry. ‘Tell me a bit more about this work dinner you have coming up.’

Harry tells him. It’s an annual social gathering for Ministry employees. Speeches are made, lobster is eaten, and people generally try to pretend they’re less drunk than they really are. He tells Tan that robes are mandatory, and Tan promises he’ll find something suitable.

***

 

Next, it’s Jonathan’s turn with Harry. He drives him to a salon in Soho and sits him down in the chair.

‘I’m so excited to get rid of this mullet and depression scruff, because I just know that there is a _gorgeous_ man hiding underneath,’ Jonathan says very fast, playing with Harry’s hair with his fingers.

Jonathan pulls his scissors seemingly out of nowhere, and in a matter of seconds the mullet is no more.

‘My hair is kind of unmanageable, sorry,’ says Harry, thinking of all the times that Aunt Petunia had complained about his messy, sticking up hair.

‘Oh my god, don’t say that – your hair is beautiful,’ says Jonathan. ‘Like this wild, sexy, windswept look? Sign me up honey!’

Harry isn’t sure he agrees at first, but by the time Jonathan has finished with the scissors and is teaching him how to use pomade, he has to admit that he looks better than he has in a long time.

Jonathan shaves his scruff off too. ‘I’m literally so attracted to you right now. Do you love it?’

‘Yeah, I do,’ Harry says, examining his new look. ‘Thank you.’

***

 

The next day at work, Harry is reviewing a report on new counter-dark magic laws. He’s forgotten his lunch again, and wonders what he’s going to do when one o’clock comes around. Perhaps he’ll get a kebab just to see the look on Antoni’s face…

It’s at that moment that one of the small, violet coloured paper aeroplanes that Ministry employees use to communicate lands on his desk. He opens it with a sigh, fully expecting it to be someone asking him to look over another report. Sometimes he misses fieldwork.

_If you wanted a gay man to tell you that you dress terribly you could have just come to me. I’ve been biting my tongue over those ratty trainers of yours for years. – Draco Malfoy_

Harry looks up in surprise. At the other side of the room, he sees Malfoy at his own desk. The Ministry recently switched to open plan offices in an attempt to encourage communication and collaboration. Malfoy works in the same department as Harry; not as an Auror, but as an expert on radicalisation. Harry reads the memo again, and feels a strange charge go through him.

 _You’re gay?_ he writes back.

The aeroplane lands on Malfoy’s desk. He opens it and reads it, then looks up at Harry with an incredulous look on his face. ‘YES’ he mouths, staring at Harry as though he’s half witted. Malfoy writes a new message and sends it over.

_I sometimes wonder how you survive in the world at all, Potter. Isn’t it obvious? Did you never wonder why I got divorced a few years ago?_

_I’m divorced_ , Harry writes in response. _Doesn’t mean I’m gay._

Malfoy’s eyebrows raise when he reads this, and he smirks at Harry.

 _Ok_ , he sends back.

Harry isn’t quite sure how to respond to that.

***

 

After work, Karamo asks Harry what he does for fun. Harry racks his brain as he tries to avoid gloomily saying ‘I don’t have fun’.

‘I like to walk,’ he says. ‘I go for walks on Hampstead Heath.’

So he and Karamo head for Hampstead Heath. It’s a mild day. He likes the Heath, especially the way its tangled woods can make you forget you’re in a city at all.

‘How was work today?’ Karamo asks him as they walk. ‘I still don’t have a clear picture of what an Auror does.’

‘It was ok. Aurors basically fight wizarding crime and dark magic,’ Harry explains. ‘Although I only do desk work now since…’ he trails off.

‘Since what?’ Karamo asks.

Harry bites the inside of his cheek. This isn’t his favourite topic of conversation, but Karamo is so kind and understanding. ‘How much do you know about my past?’ he asks.

‘A little. I know you saved the Wizarding world from an evil wizard when you were a teenager.’

‘Yeah,’ says Harry. ‘Well, it kind of made sense to me, after that, that I would become an Auror, but it turned out not to be the best plan.’

‘I can understand that,’ says Karamo.

‘You can?’ says Harry, surprised. He turns to looks at Karamo.

‘Yeah, of course. You’d been through so much, and it sounds like with your job you were being re-traumatised with similar situations.’

‘Yes,’ says Harry, still staring at Karamo. ‘I wish I’d known that. Or that someone could have warned me. I think Wizarding society is behind the Muggle world in that way. Everyone in the department was so pleased to have their ‘saviour’ join them that they didn’t really consider whether I would be able to handle it.’

Karamo touches Harry’s shoulder with his hand, and it’s been so long since someone touched him, or since he opened up to anyone like this that Harry gets a lump in his throat.

‘I’m here for you,’ Karamo says. ‘We all are. I also think a therapist could be helpful for you. I can help you find one if you’d like.’

Harry looks at Karamo again. _Wow, he is beautiful_ , he suddenly thinks.

‘Thank you,’ he says.

***

Lying in bed that night, Harry can’t get Malfoy out of his head. He wonders when he’d realised he was gay. He was close with Pansy Parkinson at school, but it’s true that they hadn’t actually been together. Harry supposes that Malfoy had only married Astoria Greengrass because of pureblood tradition, but had he known all along that he liked men, or was it a more recent revelation?

Harry rolls over. Why is he thinking of Malfoy so much? He’s improved since school, and of course he’s one of the ‘good guys’ now, but he’s still very prickly. Handsome, though. Are there wizarding gay clubs, and does Malfoy frequent them? If he does, he’s probably quite popular, Harry thinks as he drifts off to sleep.

Harry wakes the next morning with wetness in his pyjama bottoms, a memory of a dream involving someone blond with long, slender limbs, and a great deal of confusion.

***

 

It’s his day with Antoni today, who looks as bright eyed and well rested as Harry wishes he was when he arrives at Harry’s door. He’s carrying two plastic bags full of ingredients which he sets on the worktop.

‘I know you don’t have a lot of time to cook,’ says Antoni, ‘so I thought I’d show you how to make something that’s really quick and simple, but is healthy and tastes amazing. When you’ve got the kids for the weekend you can just make extra and I think they’ll love it too.’

He carries on talking as he gets the ingredients out of the bag and finds chopping boards, knives and pans, but Harry barely hears him. He’s too preoccupied by the way Antoni’s arms look in the t-shirt he’s wearing. Has he always looked at men like this, he wonders? But just thinking someone is attractive doesn’t necessarily mean you’re attracted to them, he reasons. You don’t have to be into men to know that Will Bucklebury, Captain of the Montrose Magpies, is good looking; it’s just blindingly obvious.

But now Antoni is handing him a knife and telling him to chop vegetables, and with an effort Harry brings himself back to reality.

***

 

The next day, Harry comes home from work to find Bobby and Jonathan waiting for him at his door, both looking excited.

‘Hey gorgeous,’ says Jonathan, bringing him in for a hug.

‘Your apartment is ready,’ says Bobby. ‘Want to take a look?’

He opens the door and Harry steps inside. The space is transformed – no more cardboard boxes, mismatched furniture or bare, greyish walls. There’s a comfortable sofa (on which Karamo, Tan and Antoni are sitting), pictures on the walls, and a stylish floor lamp. Near the window, Bobby has created an area for Harry’s children, with beanbags and a chest for toys. His kitchen is sleek and shiny, and everything is new and matching. In the bedroom, he has a new double bed covered in a blanket that looks remarkably like the hangings on the four-poster beds in the Gryffindor dormitories. There are framed photos on the walls – of his parents, his children and even the Weasleys and Remus and Sirius, and Harry finds himself feeling unexpectedly watery-eyed. The bathroom is clean and modern, and Jonathan bounces in with him to introduce him to various grooming items and products. Afterwards, Harry goes back into the main room to thank Bobby. He’s amazed by how he’s managed to make it feel so light and open.

Then it’s time for the fashion show. Tan takes him into the bedroom where he’s laid out three options. He’s also found him some new glasses – they’re not so different from his old ones, but they fit his face better: he’s an adult now after all.

Harry puts on the first outfit and goes out to show the five of them. It’s the one he tried on in the shop with the green jacket, and the guys all make approving comments, agreeing how beautifully the jacket brings out his eyes. The next outfit is similar, an ensemble that Tan assures him can be dressed up or down depending on the occasion. It’s the third outfit, though, that intrigues Harry. Tan has managed to find him robes, beautiful robes in a deep blue colour. He looks at the label and sees that they’re made by a tailor called Maerwynn, and he suddenly feels quite silly for not realising that robe makers other than Madam Malkin existed. He puts them on and looks at himself in the mirror for a moment. They’re exquisitely tailored, flowing beautifully, and were almost certainly custom made for him. He goes out to show the guys, and can’t help grinning at how enthusiastically they respond.

‘Wizard fashion is going to be the next big thing,’ Jonathan declares.

Tan seems especially relieved at how well they fit.

‘How did you find these?’ Harry asks him. ‘Even I had never heard of this robe maker.’

‘I have my ways,’ says Tan mysteriously.

Harry sits down with them on his new sofa and wonders how to express what he wants to say.

‘Thank you so much for this week guys,’ he begins. ‘Tan, these clothes you’ve given me are really worth getting out of pyjamas for, and I’m actually dreading the work party a bit less now that I know I’m going to look hot.’

‘Yes, love that confidence!’ Jonathan says.

‘Jonathan, same to you. Thank you for getting rid of the mullet. You’ve made me feel so well taken care of and you’re such a ray of sunshine. Antoni, you’ve shown me that cooking doesn’t have to be a chore. I was getting sick of eating takeaway and ready meals but I was stuck in a rut and you showed me how cooking can actually be calming and rewarding. Bobby, I’m in awe of what you’ve done to this place. I think part of me felt like I didn’t deserve to live somewhere nice, but I won’t be ashamed to let my kids see how I’m living now. Karamo, thank you for listening to me, and thank you for giving me the numbers of those therapists. I wanted to hide away because I couldn’t live up to people’s expectations of me as the saviour of the Wizarding world, and I felt like a failure for getting divorced, but you saw me for who I really am and you saw what I really needed. I love you guys.’

They all scoot closer to him to try to put their arms around him, saying how much they love him too.

When they break apart, Harry takes a breath. ‘There’s something else that’s been on my mind this week, and especially for the past 48 hours. Seeing five guys who are so comfortable with themselves has made me realise something about myself. The Wizarding world isn’t very open about sexuality so for a long time I don’t think I even realised it was an option.’ Harry takes another breath. ‘I’ve realised that I’m bisexual.’

Harry knows that he could hardly come out to a more accepting group of people, but he’s still nervous saying it. The five of them are jubilant, however, pulling him in for more hugs and kisses on the cheek. Harry can’t remember the last time he felt this carefree.

***

 

_In the loft, the Fab Five are settling down to watch the video from Harry’s work dinner. Antoni has prepared some canapés and they’re excited to see how Harry did._

Harry is in his bedroom, putting on the beautiful blue robes. Then he goes into the bathroom to put pomade in his hair like Jonathan showed him. He apparates to the Ministry entrance, and makes his way down to the grand hall. It’s full of people, too many of whom want to talk to him. He gratefully accepts a glass of Elf-made wine, and heads for the edge of the room where he hopes he will be more inconspicuous.

The Minister makes a speech and then dinner is served – lobster, predictably. Harry makes small talk with the people sitting near him. At the end of the meal, when the House Elves are taking the plates away, Harry suddenly realises what he needs to do.

He walks to the front of the room and climbs the podium. ‘ _Sonorus_ ’, he says, touching his wand to his throat, making his voice magically louder. By this time, almost everyone is looking at him, and the room has been surprised into silence.

‘Um, hi everyone,’ he begins. ‘So, this week I’ve been spending a lot of time with five Muggles who have been teaching me how to treat myself better, and it’s made me realise that in the Magical world we don’t treat ourselves well… What I mean is, people who have gone through something traumatic in the Wizarding community, or people who are feeling sad, or anxious, or are seeing or hearing things that aren’t there, or are acting in ways they wouldn’t normally, don’t get the support they need.

‘St Mungo’s has five floors that each focus on one area of magical illness or injury, but there isn’t a single ward that tends to patients with mental health problems.’ Harry looks out into the crowd and thinks he can see Ron and Hermione, nodding encouragingly. ‘I’m going to see a therapist, but I’ll have to see a Muggle one who can’t fully understand what I’ve been through. We need to do better. We need to be aware of these problems and we need to start dealing with them. Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say,’ he finishes awkwardly.

There’s a moment of silence as Harry gets off the podium and walks back to his seat, and Harry can’t tell what everyone thought of his impromptu speech. Then people begin to talk again, the chairs and tables are taken away and everyone begins to mingle once more. Harry takes a long sip from his glass of wine, finishing it.

Then Malfoy approaches Harry.

‘Potter,’ he says. ‘What you said up there was really important and I completely agree.’

For a moment, Harry is so surprised that he can’t speak.

‘If you’re planning on setting something in motion about tackling mental health in the Wizarding community I want to be a part of it.’

Still, Harry says nothing.

‘Well, I’ll leave you to it,’ says Malfoy, and walks away.

There are a thousand thoughts running through Harry’s mind. An Elf comes by with a drinks tray, and Harry grabs a Firewhisky. He drains it in one and strides after Malfoy.

‘Malfoy,’ he says, grabbing him by the arm.

‘Potter?’

‘I really appreciate it – what you said. Thank you.’

‘I meant it,’ said Draco.

Harry is still holding Draco’s arm, and they both look down at it.

‘Draco,’ Harry says. ‘I’m –’

Draco moves closer to Harry, and Harry suddenly feels very tipsy and very attracted to him and very unsure of what to say.

So they don’t say anything. Draco’s grey eyes stare into Harry’s green ones, and then his eyes flick to Harry’s mouth. What happens next seems inevitable.

_As Draco and Harry’s lips meet, the five cheer and exchange ecstatic, amazed looks._

**Author's Note:**

> But also read this https://thebaffler.com/latest/the-queer-art-of-failing-better-penny


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